October 2018 marks the one-year anniversary of my reconstructive jaw surgery that cured my sleep apnea, but triggered a three-month depression. With the benefit of a tool kit of positive psychology interventions and the support of a team of healthcare professionals, I've been able to emerge stronger than ever.  

Here’s what I’ve taken away from my experiences over the past year -- insights I hope you'll find helpful. 
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​Keep the long view in mind. The statistics were clear - if I didn’t treat my sleep apnea, I would be putting myself at increased risk for heart disease, diabetes, and stroke. Enduring a year-long recovery from an aggressive surgical solution, when compared with the long-term health consequences of doing nothing, helped me to keep the bigger picture in mind. This long view provided the meaning and purpose I would need to endure such a challenging rehabilitation, a sentiment best captured by the Nietzsche quote: “One who has a why can endure any how.”
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Don’t go it alone. It was not surprising that I fell into a deep depression the first few months into my recovery, but when I woke up on January 1st, tired of the wallowing, I made the decision - New Year, New Me! My first step was to use the SPIRE Check-in exercise to pinpoint what actions I could take in each of the wellbeing domains: spiritual, physical, intellectual, relational, and emotional. It became clear I would need support and guidance from trusted experts to help me get my life back on track - a decision that not only accelerated my healing but also took my recovery to a whole new level.

Practice patience, grit, and self-compassion. ​Making any significant change in our life (be it physical or emotional) is challenging because our brains like the comfort and safety of the habits we’ve created. Willpower alone is not enough to overcome the hardwiring of our nervous system. Real change takes persistent action over an extended period of time in the direction of our desired outcome. Be prepared to stumble, hit roadblocks, and become frustrated along the way. Even though I knew this from the outset, I still couldn't have done it alone, it was my team of experts who offered multiple strategies, held me accountable to follow through on my treatment plan, and cheered me on when things got tough.

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​Stop tolerating, rationalizing and coping. Pain (be it physical or emotional) alerts us that something is out of alignment and must be adjusted, I've learned that often time early distress signals keep getting louder until they gain our attention. Discomfort only works if we act on it, I now see that by tolerating, rationalizing and coping with my physical symptoms for so long I had inadvertently prolonged my own suffering. Today when I notice discomfort – be it physical or emotional - I elevate my awareness, pause, and get curious. If it’s a physical pain I adjust how I’m seated, I shift my standing posture, or start moving through exercise. If the dis-ease feels emotional, I reflect on what triggered it and take action rather than avoiding a potentially difficult conversation by tolerating or rationalizing.
 
Don’t settle for less. When I shared how much better I was feeling as a result of my surgery, my cardiologist offered the best response – “Oxygen”. It was true, like a fish who doesn’t know they're swimming in water, I had no idea how labored my breathing was – it was the only normal I knew. It wasn’t until my windpipe tripled and the oxygen started (literally) gushing in that I could finally appreciate all that I had been missing. We often settle for what we have - not knowing how much better our lives could be. 

Since my own transformative journey, my mission to inspire, educate, and support women to reclaim their own joy has become even more urgent. If I've learned anything this past year it's this - we have the power to stop our suffering and start living our joy - the choice is entirely up to us!

Schedule a free ½ hour consultation and reclaim your joy!

Aha!
 Tolerating, rationalizing, and coping simply prolongs the suffering. 
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Tool Kit
In case you missed it, here’s a link to download Reset. Recover. Rewire. The 3’Rs for Stress Relief. It is filled with proven actions you can take to create Islands of Sanity throughout your stressful day. 

​When you attend a talk on the subject of stress, or -- in this case -- read a summary article about it, the last thing you want to hear is that we’re living in uncertain times, how chronic stress can be damaging to your health, or all the things you should be doing to reduce that stress. That commentary would likely stress you out even more.

As a practitioner certified in applied positive psychology, I take a different approach. 

I teach the neurobiology of stress because it empowers you to break free from the vicious cycle of chronic stress and, over time, become less likely to get triggered in the first place.

I’ve found that when clients understand the science of stress, they don’t have to rely on sheer willpower to find major blocks of time to squeeze in more activities; instead they see that even minor shifts, in how they do everyday activities, can bring about significant change.

​​To begin, there’s an important distinction to be made - not all stress is created equal. Stress is a natural, biological response evolutionarily hardwired in our bodies to help us to rise to the challenge and respond to a threat. It’s the fight-or-flight reaction automatically triggered by our brain that releases adrenaline and cortisol into our bloodstream making us stronger, more focused, and extra motivated, thereby increasing our chances of survival. 

​Anxiety, on the other hand, is the emotional reaction we have when we feel threatened. In a way, it's stress gone awry, because anxiety ensues when we continually ruminate about the past or frequently worry about the future, long after the actual stressor is gone. Since our brains can’t distinguish between a real physical threat and a perceived emotional one, they both result in the same fight-or-flight response. When we’re anxious all the time, our bodies get stuck in chronic stress, and this constant flooding of cortisol is what leads to negative health outcomes. Worse yet, the more anxiety we feel, the more likely we are to get triggered into stress – a vicious, negative cycle. 
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Most stress-reduction strategies, such as exercise, yoga, and mediation, work by activating, stimulating, or toning our autonomic nervous system to help us override our default fight-or-flight response. In other words, they are actions we can take to manually switch on the rest-and-restore branch of our nervous system and give our bodies the opportunity to recover.
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​Interventions fall into three major categories: 

• Physical resets​ use your body (through breath, touch, and movement) to signal your brain that you’re safe.
• Positivity boosters improve the tone of your vagus nerve and help us more quickly to recover from setbacks.
• Meditative practices improve the communication between your prefrontal cortex, the rational part of your brain, and the amygdala, the brain’s fear center that gets triggered when you feel threatened. With as little as 3-5 minutes a day you can rewire your brain and strengthen the connection between the two parts and minimize your reactivity to stress. 

​With an understanding of how stress works in our body and why stress-reducing strategies work - you can start to notice the infinite possibilities available to introduce islands of sanity throughout your day. Here are some examples of small changes to existing activities that have been proven to lower anxiety. 

​Practice deep breathing throughout the day – sitting at the computer, stopped at a traffic light, or even while on the throne are great times to pause, and mindfully relax.  Taking three, deep, slow breaths that originate from the belly -- with your exhale being twice as long as your inhale, -- signals your brain that you are safe -- and toggles your nervous system into rest-and-restore mode. 

Turn your shower or car ride into a mental gym by humming, singing, or chanting which stimulates, and ultimately tones the vagus nerve that’s connected to your vocal chords.
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Stop multi-tasking by focusing your attention on what you are doing – be it preparing dinner, doing the laundry, or writing a report – and then refocus your attention gently whenever you notice your mind beginning to stray. While formal meditation - between 3-5 minutes a day - is best, there are numerous opportunities to practice informal mindfulness throughout your day.

Stress is a fact of life; none of us is immune. While you can’t always change our outer world, there are many things you can do to gain more inner peace. With knowledge of the neurobiology of stress, you have the opportunity to craft your days so as to incorporate these small shifts and break free of the vicious cycle of chronic stress – without adding one more item to your already overflowing plate.

Aha!
Stress isn’t the problem, it’s lack of recovery.

​Tool Kit
Click here to download a tool kit for more ideas.

​​Stress is a fact of life; none of us are immune. When life feels overwhelming, sometimes the only thing we can control is our perception of stress. Which, as it turns out, is a good thing - research has shown that how we think about stress determines how it affects our health and happiness.

Consider how you view stressful situations. Do you see them as blocking or enhancing your learning, growth, and productivity? Do you believe stress worsens or improves your health and your levels of happiness?
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​Stanford psychologist Kelly McGonigal has found:

When we embrace stress and see it as enhancing we are more satisfied, healthy, productive and happy and have greater confidence in our ability to cope with life challenges.​

We can switch our mindset to make stress work for us; here are a few ways to get started.

​Think of Stress as a Signal Something You Care About is at Stake
When you’re triggered into stress, understand that it’s not a sign you’re inadequate to face the challenges in life or that there’s something wrong with you. The anxiety, disappointment or sadness you feel might be an indication of how much you care and that what happened is inconsistent with your goals and values. Taking time to reflect on the deeper meaning of the signal can help you to move from destructive thoughts like “I’m not cut out to be a parent” or “This project is too much for me” to a constructive internal dialogue like: “OK, I’m angry right now and I’m overwhelmed because something I care about is at stake. Now what do I want to do about that?”  For example, if you feel like you’re in a bad place and you care about your health you might decide to practice self-care. Or a stressful conversation might embolden you to stand up for yourself or apologize to someone because relationships matter.​

​Consider How The Stressful Situation is Connected to Something Meaningful
Say, for example, that you’re caring for an aging parent. You can reframe your stress by thinking about the importance of the bond with your parent and how your loving relationship makes you want to take care of them rather than send them to a nursing home.

Shift to a Big Picture Perspective
See how your stressful situation is part of the human condition rather than unique to some choice that you made or some personal character flaw. When we stop ruminating about our own stories and broaden our perspective to think about who else is in the situation is struggling we feel less isolated. We can even start to use our own struggles as a catalyst for helping others. 

Transform Pre-performance Anxiety into Peak Performance Energy*
Anxiety that appears in our mind and the sensations of our body that come before a meaningful event are perfectly normal.  For example, when you are up in the front of the room at the start of a big presentation and your heart starts pounding, your mouth goes dry, and your brain goes momentarily blank from the rush of adrenaline pumping through your veins know that there is nothing wrong with you. It happens to everyone. Instead of thinking I’m so nervous, I can’t do this, I’m going to fail, you can reframe it by saying to yourself I’m excited about this presentation and this is just my body’s way to raise my energy level to prepare me to meet the challenge.
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When we perpetuate the mindset that stress is harmful, it’s more likely to be harmful. Reclaiming stress as a helpful resource allows us to change the way we think about, respond to, and use it as a catalyst for positive action, learning and growth. 

Aha!
When you change your mind about stress, you can change your body’s response to it.
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Tool Kit
 Listen to my conversation with Stacie Speaker about Keeping Cool Under Pressure to learn strategies to transform pre-performance anxiety into energy ​that drives peak performance.
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At one point or another we’ve all thought to ourselves - Am I happy?

Yet this might not be the best question to ask. When we reflect on our happiness in this way, asking AM I happy, we create a false choice by presupposing only two possible answers – we are either happy (yes) or unhappy (no). Worse yet, when we search for the sources of our discontent we typically focus on situational factors outside of our control. 

A more constructive question would be - How can I be happier? The reframe elevates our awareness of our having the power to make different choices and reminds us to take a long-term view. As with the stock-market, it’s more valuable to consider trends over time rather than focus on day-to-day fluctuations. 
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So, HOW can we be happier? As we know, it’s rather complicated. In fact, the myriad reasons that the successful pursuit of happiness can be so elusive has been the subject of many books, articles, and talks.

My most recent Aha! on this question came to me after listening to a lecture Tal Ben-Shahar gave as part of the new year-long Certification in Happiness Studies he is offering - for which I’m honored to be a teaching assistant. Here’s what he shared:​
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Recent research has shown that the direct pursuit of happiness leads to - unhappiness.
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​To work around this paradox, Tal suggests we purse an indirect path toward well-being that is both pragmatic and backed by science.  He calls it the Wholebeing Approach, a mash-up of the words whole person and well-being, and it is comprised of the following five interconnected elements:

Spiritual Wellbeing: Leading a meaningful life wherein you know your purpose and have a good understanding of the values that drive your actions, and mindfully savoring the present. 

Physical Wellbeing: Cultivating positive regard for your body and being aware of its ability to affect the mind - and also tapping into the idea that the mind can affect the body.
 
Intellectual Wellbeing: Engaging in deep learning and opening to experience that stretches the mind and cultivate creativity and love of learning.
 
Relational Wellbeing: Nurturing a constructive relationship with self and others, through kindness and compassion.
 
Emotional Wellbeing: Feeling all emotions with an emphasis on managing painful ones to build resilience and a sense of optimism.
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​What I most appreciate about the SPIRE Model is that it offers multiple, clear, empirically proven, actionable pathways we can follow to indirectly pursue a more fulfilling life. It  reminds us of the importance of a wholistic approach that includes engaging in work that is personally meaningful, exercising regularly and eating healthfully, learning continuously, spending time with dear friends and family members, becoming more aware of our feelings and participating in fun activities. In order to experience deep and enduring happiness and live to our fullest potential we must address all five elements. In other words, we can’t focus on only some of the dimensions and neglect others, they all interconnected.
 
One of Tal’s gifts is synthesizing empirically validated, theoretical constructs into practical and actionable tools. Together with his colleagues Megan McDonough and Maria Sirois of the Wholebeing Institute, Tal has created a SPIRE Check-In Exercise to help us evaluate our lives in terms of the 5 elements and, more importantly, create a specific action plan that leads to a shift in our happiness.
 
I invite you to download the exercise, using the link below, to create your own Aha! Moments regarding the actions you can take to Jolt your Joy and start to make progress towards that seemingly elusive question - How Can I be Happier?
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​​Aha!
To fulfill our potential for happiness, we need to pursue it indirectly.

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Tool Kit

Download the SPIRE Check-In Exercise to shine a light on what’s working well (so you can do more of it) and Identify actions you can take to improve your overall well-being.

​In June I gave a talk on the newly released book The Happiness Curve: Why Life Gets Better After 50 by Jonathan Rauch. Following on the heels of two high profile celebrity suicides, the talk felt more poignant. 
 
I shared the latest research from the fields of psychology, economics, and neuroscience that indicates happiness, when normalized for situational factors such as health, income and career fulfillment, follows a U-shape curve. The big Aha! - aging itself affects our life satisfaction.

In other words, even when our lives are objectively great, feelings of disappointment, malaise, and discomfort in midlife are perfectly normal. 

The primary cause of our malaise is the gap between how satisfied we actually feel versus how satisfied we believe we should feel. Rauch explains that the dip in our life satisfaction occurs when the hard work of realigning our happiness expectations is being done. Until this readjustment happens, we get hit from two directions at once - feeling both disappointment about our past and pessimistic about the future; a recipe for misery. 

Interestingly, apes suffer the same dip in fulfillment through their life span and humans are one of only three known species where females long outlive their fertility years. Combined, these factors have led scientists to theorize there is a biological component hardwired in our DNA that serves a broader evolutionary purpose. Rausch writes: “The curve seems to be imprinted on our biology to repurpose us for a changing role in society as we age – a role that is less about ambition and competition and more about connection and compassion. It’s a time when we stop focusing on acquiring – family, home, career, and financial assets and start to invest outward into the next generation, the community or a cause.”  
 
Whether we experience an existential crisis at the bottom of the happiness curve or make the turn gradually, we are led to the same direction: toward others and toward wisdom. 

The “grandmother wisdom hypothesis” goes like this: since society as a whole benefit when elders promote the common good above self-interest, the restlessness, stress, and disappointment felt through midlife are growing pains intended to serve as a signal it’s time to reflect, reassess, and recalibrate. The underlying purpose of the discomfort is to motivate us to gain a deeper understanding of ourselves, become less judgmental, develop patience and ultimately realign our lives with our values - to live more wisely.
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Understanding that our underlying malaise is a perfectly normal life stage that serves a broader purpose is helpful, but it also got me wondering: Pain in midlife might be inevitable, but must we suffer through it; how can we navigate the trough with more joy and ease? 
 
One way is to accelerate the acquisition of wisdom. It is not enough to intellectually study, we must also do things differently to experience transformation. The benefits are well worth the effort, with applied wisdom we can experience more balance and equanimity; more contentedness and less regret; and more comfort with inner and outer ambivalence and conflict.
 
The main take-away from the book is this - being satisfied in midlife is possible, it’s just harder. If we don’t have our values front and center we can stay stuck in the U. 

One of Rauch’s suggestion to help travel through the U faster and even change the shape of the U is to work with a coach, because he writes, “the primary goal of coaching is to help clients clarify their values and align their life with them.”  
 
Navigating the happiness curve does not have to be a do-it-yourself project where we all have to start from scratch. We can seek support to help us navigate the dip with more joy and ease and come out on the other side with the clarity, confidence, and peace of mind that comes with knowing we can handle anything that comes our way. 
 
Midlife pain might be inevitable. The suffering, however, is optional.

Aha!
Midlife malaise is a signal to pause and realign our lives with our values

Tool Kit
Here's an exercise to put in your wisdom tool kit and get you started on the path towards greater self-knowledge.

​ It’s an exercise created with my colleague Wendy Van Besien to help you reconnect to your deepest values so you can use them as guideposts in your life. 

​For the better part of a decade I felt stuck. I knew I wanted to make changes in my life, yet I had no idea where to begin. Unbeknownst to me, I was trapped in a victim story that was unwittingly self-sabotaging my efforts.
 
I also felt ashamed. How could I, a woman who seemingly had it all - happily married, two healthy children, wanting for nothing materially - how could I be discontent? What was wrong with me?
 
The combination of my malaise, fear, and indecision led to frustration and a sense of overwhelm. I read self-help books, talked to friends, worked with therapists. However, these actions felt more like a Band-Aid; while I felt better in the short term, I never got to the root cause of my dissatisfaction. Discouraged, and tired of spinning my wheels I tried a new approach: I hired my first coach.

While working with a life coach I learned it was my perceptions about my life that were creating my discontent. She helped me uncover what was really holding me back and gave me the tools, resources, and accountability to make the changes I desired.
 
Knowing is not enough; to create change we must put that knowledge into action and make different choices.
 
My first significant breakthrough was my commitment to return to school to become certified in Applied Positive Psychology – the science of wellbeing. Even before the formal classes started, I picked up the book Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson. Though the title sounded too good to be true, the book delivered.

It was my first exposure to the scientific research that showed fostering positive emotions like joy, gratitude, and hope opens our awareness to a wider range of thoughts and broadens our ideas about possible actions we can take.

​Here are some of the proven benefits the cumulative effect of positive emotions have over time:
 
Spiritually
Experiencing serenity sparks our urge to savor our current circumstances and integrate them into a new view of ourselves and the world around us.
 
Physically
Fostering a positive state improves cardiovascular health, coordination, sleep, immune function, and also reduces inflammation.
 
Intellectually
Elevating curiosity sparks our urge to explore and learn; it is easier for us to consider multiple ways to reach a goal and to find several solutions to problems.
 
Relationally
Positivity helps to make others more open and willing to cooperate, fostering better connections with family and colleagues.
 
Emotionally
Cultivating joy sparks the urge to play and be creative, we become more optimistic, resilient, open, accepting, and driven by purpose.
 
I am a JOY EVANGELIST because from the moment I started to actively cultivate more joy, gratitude, and hope in my own life, everything began to shift. While my outer circumstances didn’t change, my perspective did, and that was all I needed to get unstuck. The best part: positive emotions always exist within. Once we learn how to access these emotions more consistently, we can tap into this free, infinitely-renewable resource.
 
Almost a decade has passed since I began this latest phase of my journey, guided by mentors and coaches who have supported my growth. There are times I still find myself feeling fear, indecision and overwhelm; after all change will always be a part of life. But today, as a zealot for positive emotions, boosting joy has become the go-to in my tool box because I know it is often the kick start I need to break the cycle of stuck and get myself moving again. Not to mention it's fun - and we can always use some fun in our lives!
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Aha!
 Positive emotions are the sparks we need to ignite change and keep moving!
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Jolt of Joy
To hear more about my personal transformation and learn tips on how you can rewrite the disempowering story that might be keeping you stuck, I invite you to listen to the Reignite Your Light podcast : “The Joy Evangelist.”

​One teacher that has profoundly influenced my personal journey is Sylvia Boorstein. It was through her writings I was introduced to the Buddhist teaching: Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. 

The idea that suffering is not an absolute given, an inevitable outcome of difficult, painful times was a novel one to me. Having a choice in how to respond to the inevitable ups and downs of life is incredibly empowering. 

In her book, “Happiness is an Inside Job” Sylvia writes: “Suffering is what happens when we struggle with whatever our life experience is rather than accepting and opening to our experience with a wise and compassionate response.” 

For me, accepting experiences with self-compassion and wisdom now means allowing myself to lean into the pain and discomfort, truly and deeply feeling it, mining it for the lessons, and opening up to new opportunities that ultimately emerge.

I’ve since adopted her simple yet powerful mantra whenever life throws me that inevitable curve ball:

“Sweetheart you are in pain, relax, take a breath, let’s pay attention to what is happening. Then we will figure out what to do.”

Addressing ourselves as “sweetheart” we offer ourselves the same kindness, love, and compassion we would to any dear friend or loved one going through a difficult time. Why should we treat ourselves any differently?

Acknowledging yes, we are truly in pain and validating the discomfort we are experiencing is a completely human and normal emotion is an important, often overlooked step. Over the years I’ve since learned all the numbing, ignoring and pretending isn’t helpful. What’s needed is acceptance.

Relaxing by taking a breath offers a mindful pause, an opportunity to create a space to separate from our emotions and recognize that we don’t have to act on all the thoughts that are being triggered by the multitude of emotions understandably swirling in times of pain.

Reminding ourselves to pay attention to what is happening in the here and now allows us to break from any ruminations this event might have triggered in us based on unresolved past events. Being in the present also stops us from catastrophizing – forecasting the absolute worse case scenarios into the future. It gives us the chance to remind myself, “I’m OK”. Right here and right now – I am Okay.

And finally, saying to ourselves, “we WILL figure out what to do” reinforces the idea we have confidence in ourselves that no matter what life throws at us, we can always figure out what's the next thing we need to do. That assurance moves us away from the fear and uncertainty created by an unexpected and often time unwanted event into the action needed to move through it. 

Pain IS inevitable in our lives and yet knowing suffering IS optional provides conscious choice. I've found that having faith in myself and some higher power, trusting in myself and in the process, and patiently riding out the storm with a deep knowing that this too shall pass minimizes the fear and lessens the struggle brought about by the many painful and unexpected events that's a natural part of our life's journey.

I'm curious what personal mantra have you found to be helpful when navigating difficult situations?

​"Enjoy the Process of Becoming" I wrote. Yes! That’s the label on the box.  Then I put down my pen and closed my journal.

Let me explain.

The first meeting I had with my current coach was in September of 2016. At the time I was still trying to figure out my target audience and articulate what was the future vision I wanted to help my ideal clients achieve. Who did I feel most passionate about helping? What was my authentic voice? Who would most likely find value and resonate with my message, process, and tools?

So here was the task: every day for a month I spent the first 2 hours every morning reflecting and writing. I walked myself back through all of my personal and professional experiences. Key turning points, hard fought lessons learned, and the journey I took. Every day I was to sit with and try to connect to the emotion behind my stories. And by our next session, I was to share with him: “if I were to put a label on the box of these stories what would I call it?” 

And there it was, my bigger life lesson:  “Enjoy the process of becoming….” 
Throw away the mantle of perfectionism.
Forget about keeping everything under control. 
Lean into the discomfort. 
Be fearless in the face of uncertainty.
Define success on your own terms.
Return to your authentic, best self – the one that’s there beneath all the external messages of should’s.

At its essence: You were born worthy.  You are already enough! 

Imagine what life would be like if we could live through uncertain times without getting stuck in fear and overwhelm. 

Which got me thinking:
How can we enjoy the process that is the journey of our lives? 
How can we embrace the dynamic, ever-changing qualities of life?
How can we appreciate that if we are not growing we are dying?
What would life be like if we understood there are no failures, only opportunities to learn?

Yes, we are always becoming – so we might as well enJOY it!

The other day I heard Oprah Winfrey ask:
“How do you define success?”

I don’t know about you but the word success has been an emotionally fraught, super-charged word practically all my life.

I’d always been a hard-driving, achievement oriented person – chasing all the culturally defined, external “success milestones”. I did it because I had come to believe the idea that success was a precursor to happiness. I thought that if I put my head down and worked hard enough, that I’d be happy when ________ (fill in the blank). 

The reality was somewhat different than the fairytale dream.

I found that once I achieved an external, material goal the jubilation didn’t last long because there was always a new, bigger goal to achieve. So after a brief celebration, I put my head back down, assumed the no-pain no-gain mantra, and plowed ahead more determined than ever to get to that happy place. 

It wasn’t until I did a great deal of soul searching, got still, and started revisiting all the “should” messages in my life that I reconnected to my inner voice. The authentic one telling me what was important to me. The one that already knew what gave me meaning and purpose. The one that gave me the permission to define success on my own terms. 

That was the most liberating thing I could do and opened me up to access the joy in my life that had always there and had been always available to me – that was just hidden from view. Which is why I just LOVED Oprah’s answer to her own question: 
"Success is getting to the point where you are absolutely comfortable with yourself."

Wow. Simple, yet powerful. 

For me that's an achievable milestone worth pursuing.

How about you? How comfortable are you with yourself? How much meaning and purpose do you feel in what you are doing? How often are you accessing the joy available to us everyday? 

​How can I help?

Not surprisingly, when I posted on Facebook about redefining “success” on our own terms  generated a great deal of discussion. Apparently, that word is emotionally charged for so many. 

What I found particularly interesting was the nearly universal agreement that the definition of success can be thought of as a moving target – one that changes with the decades of our lives. And when I gave it some more thought, I realized how true that has been in my own life. And it also makes sense when we think about it in terms of the arcs of our lives.

David Allen, author of “Getting Things Done – the art of stress-free productivity” writes: “You can’t decide if you’ve succeeded unless you hold it up to the criteria of ‘why’ you are doing anything in the first place, why it is important to you.”

In other words, “Purpose defines Success.”

I think that’s why my early years appeared so much “easier” - the metrics were clear and seemingly predefined. My 20’s was all about building my educational portfolio and starting my career. I was fortunate enough to meet my life partner in graduate school and checked that box off as well. In my 30’s we bought our dream house, started a family, and I was focused on climbing the corporate ladder. Check, check, check.

​However in my 40’s I drifted off the traditional course – relocating 4 times to places as varied as Brazil, FL, CA, and PA. There were no set guideposts to follow. The “shoulds” became a moving target– each new location had its own cultural norms and definitions of success. In retrospect I can see what gave meaning, purpose and focus to my life was the desire to be a strong role model for my kids as I sought to rebuild and recreate a steady home life for my family. It became the singular “WHY” of my 40's. 

A rather unconventional definition of success. And one that I did not value or appreciate at first since it didn't meet "societal norms". Yet when I hold it up to David Allen’s metrics- did I fulfill my purpose – for sure it was a highly successful decade. Alas, I only saw that in retrospect. As I was living it, the story I told myself was quite different. One that was not that empowering or flattering (here's a link to my interview if you haven't heard my story yet: http://bit.ly/2pRbGu3). One that kept me stuck, uncertain of how to move forward, yet knowing I wanted more.

I’m still in the early years of my 50’s and this decade has already been rather eventful. It seems to be a period full of transitions and recalibration. But having done all the hard work in my 40’s which generated self-awareness, self-compassion, and reconnection to my inner voice I released the shackles of perfectionism and societal “shoulds”. Yes I have finally come to appreciate Oprah’s definition of success: “…. Getting to the point where you are absolutely comfortable with yourself.”

Today I meet so many women in midlife who are going through common transitions: 
* Redefining their role as mother as they send their kids off to college. 
* Adjusting to their roles as daughters as they support their aging parents. 
* Recalibrating career goals
* Dealing with personal illness or illness of a close personal friend or family member.

Be kind to yourself. And heed the helpful advice of David Allen: "Trying to brainstorm a good idea without first asking the question WHY am I doing this. For what purpose? Why is this important to me… only leads to a lack of clarity and increased stress." It's likely to leave you feeling stuck.

Reconnect to your WHY and your next steps will become infinitely more clear. 

Positive psychology, the science of coaching, offers many empirically validated tools that can help you to uncover your WHY. It's inside you already, waiting to emerge. Sometimes it just needs a bit of help to reconnect to it.

​Please visit my Pinterest page to find free insights, tools, articles and lectures to start you on your way.

www.pinterest.com/alisondcoaching/