Treat Yourself as You Would a Good Friend

“My inner voice is always telling me: you don’t’ belong here, you don’t deserve to be here, you’re an imposter.”
“I prefer to avoid conflict, I’m afraid if I stand up for myself, people won’t like me.”
“If I can’t fix something, I believe it’s because I’m not good enough.”
“I can’t seem to forgive myself for not being further along in my career, right now I feel like I’m such a loser.” 

These were just a few of the answers to the questions a client shared with me as we were reviewing the results of an assessment I give at the start of any new coaching engagement. At one point, after hearing her innermost thoughts repeated out loud she burst out laughing. “Wow, that’s harsh.” 

Yes, it’s true. We often subconsciously say the cruelest things to ourselves. I know from first-hand experience, I've must have had those EXACT thoughts looping through my head my entire adult life. I discovered that it’s not until we shine a light on them and bring them to our awareness, that we can realize how disempowering and down right mean they are.

If we are not careful, over time we begin to believe them. Then those beliefs turn into action – or in most cases inaction. Rather than motivating us, these inner voices turn us into victims. Next thing we know we start telling tell ourselves: “Why bother. It really doesn’t matter what I do because it will never make a difference.” We get complacent. We get frustrated. We might try and take actions, but with limited effect because those voices keep pulling us down. So, of course nothing changes. We feel stuck. 

It is often said we teach what we need to learn, which is likely how I found my way into positive psychology and professional coaching when I felt myself hit a really low point in midlife. I had spent years trying to relaunch my professional career after an extended hiatus and, as the victim storyline in my head went: "I was a failure. I wasn't good enough. It was never going to happen." (If you haven't heard my story, here's a direct link: http://bit.ly/2pRbGu3)

I was completely stuck until I discovered teachers and role models like Brené Brown who taught me about vulnerability. I then found Kristen Neff an expert on self-compassion. To rewire that negativity loop in my head, I started practicing loving-kindness meditation, my favorite one entitled "Self Love" was on Barbara Fredrickson 's. And it was Tara Brach who taught me about “Radical Acceptance”. 

While I made considerable progress, it wasn't until I started working with a coach that the real changes started happening. Someone who listened without judgment, acknowledged and validated my feelings, and lovingly held me accountable to the commitments I was making to myself (but had not yet followed through on). 

Change can be hard.
It takes time.

​Sometimes we need a guide who is a few steps ahead of us on the journey.
Someone to help get us moving again.
Someone to shine a light on those subconscious limiting beliefs that are holding us back from achieving our goals. 
 
For links to these tools and much more visit my Pinterest Page: 
www.pinterest.com/alisondcoaching

If you are ready to take the next step beyond self-help books, articles, and letctures, and are interested in learning more about the assessment that can quickly pinpoint exactly what's holding you back from your fulfilling your dreams, contact me for a free consult.